Dear God.
I have a confession to make.
One that gnaws at me every time I think about you.
The problem is that I have an addiction.
To many things. To alcohol, to intimacy, to bad videos.
All these things are eating me alive whenever I think about you Lord because I can't seem to give it up.
I know the bible says to turn to you but how can I when all I do is fail and break many promises every day?
I can't be perfect and I know I will never be.
You've given me a beautiful life Lord and I'm wasting it.
I'm afraid to come to you now because I stink of sin. I'm embarrassed most of the time.
I live in fear of other Christians seeing what's really inside my heart.
I've tried to change but I fall back down.
I want to be a writer.
But each time I sit down, I'm fueled by the desire to write explicit stuff.
It takes a lot from me knowing I'm going to disappoint you and knowing I can't become a writer.
So instead, I drink my sorrows away.
I sound crazy.
I should be praying to you but I stink of sin so much that I can't even think about your name.
I know I can do better, yet I'm not taking the necessary steps toward it because I can't seem to give up my sins.
Mom says you love me. I know you do but I'm ashamed to be your child because of my sins.
I feel worse than the prodigal son because you've given me more than I could ever imagine and yet here I am wasting it away.
Each day I wake up, I tell myself I'll do better, and then BAM!! NOTHING.
It's been like this for a while. I don't know when I'll get better.
All I can say now is thank you for taking care of me and loving me.
When i finially made my First Holy Communion at 15 in the class of 7 year olds,just like the little girls,i had to follow the required dress code and wear a poofy,short sleeve,knee length communion dress and veil with lace anklets and white maryjane shoes and under our dresses a cloth diaper,rubberpants[plasticpants] and a white tee shirt as our top.The diaper and rubberpants had to we worn under our dresses as they were considered as extensions of our baptism gowns we were baptized in as infants.After my party was over that sunday after noon,my parents to my last remaining relatives to the airport,so i was home alone.My boyfriend,Justin,who was 16,came over and saw me and got aroused.While we were kissing,he put his hand up under the back of my dress and felt my diaper and rubberpants and got even more aroused! To make a long story short,he got my communion dress off of me,then got me to my knees and made me give him oral sex! He came in my mouth and i had to swallow his semen! After that,i put my dress back on and we cuddled for a few minutes,then he left.I have been feeling guilty ever since and wonder what God must think of me!