My first time sex was at 37 with a married coworker. He did me the ‘favor’, as he puts it. I don’t really blame my mother, she was living life the only way she could. I was a difficult child. I was kept in small private schools and sent to a small Lutheran college. I had low self esteem, still do, and the idea of sex in any form was out of the question.
I was kissed in a parking lot, ‘stand still and don’t move when I’m kissing you’. I got tongue and his hand on my chest and a grab between my legs. ‘Don’t pull back when I’m feeling you up’. He drove me to my apartment, I lived alone, and without ceremony took my pants off and performed oral sex on me, before crawling over me and performing full penetrative sex with completion.
He has expectations, I know not to pull away from him when he is kissing me, and not to hold onto my pants when he wants them off of me. I am ‘passive’, he is free to do what he wants with me. He always gets what he wants, and that includes a meal. That’s the sum of my relationship.
I’m a doormat, his fuck, the other woman, the default, the one that sucks his cock for him. According to him, his wife won’t give him blowjobs.
