Addicted to Cousin

My family is large, but I only have one male cousin on my dads side.When we were little he stayed over and told me to touch his penis but I didn’t because I thought it was weird looking. After a couple years he started touching my vagina, and I never thought twice about letting him. but it was always in private. Eventually I always looked forward to seeing him because I was single and liked being treated like a special girl. Recently this summer he frenched me after my dads wedding, and I don’t know why but I loved it. Yet I always felt a pang of guilt because I was lying to my family and now that he is leaving for the army I am gonna miss him but it might be in a different way. Also because of him I started masturbating which has to be done in complete secret or I fear something bad will happen.

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