I Was Not Sleeping Properly With The Crazy Hours

I had been deported for being Mexican from the USA, I have dual citizenship with Spain and went there and then a couple years after, tried going back to the USA as a spanish citizen just "as a visit", yea I was planning on overstaying it, just plain out staying.

They caught on to that.

I don't know how, I brought only one suitcase.Anyways, I had my 13 year old cat with me.

They denied me entry in Miami, kept me in a cell for more than 24hours and my cat in her cage in another room, no phone call, no bed, no blanket, just bright lights and cold.

I was let out finally and told I would be shipped to Spain since that is how I entered.

My cat had poop all over, I don't know if she had eaten, we had a long trip back.

At the airport in Madrid, all my supposed friends were busy and couldn't pick me up, I had almost no money, no where to go.

Finally, after hours of trying to call people, I got a hold of one friend that came and let me stay with him for a few days.

I was rejected and so I left Madrid and went to Bilbao with very little money, no job, I put in CVs everywhere, finally got several part time jobs.

I was not sleeping properly with the crazy hours.

I was tired, with not enough money to buy proper stuff for the cold and rain.

After a few months, I broke down, thought my cat wanted to kill me, I abandoned her in a forest and I left everything I owned and left to Paris where I pretended I was having a wonderful vacation and I ended up being raped and homeless.

My mother who is poor, was able to get the money to come get me… The most horrible thing..

abadoning my cat who had been with me through so much, 13 years.

I just left her in the forest behind my apartment complex.

8 years have passed and I can't stop hating myeslf for what I did.

I keep thinking about her, cold, confused, hungry, and probably either dying of starvation or getting hit by a car, or some other cruel death, and that I am to blame.

I feel I deserved all the bad that happened to me.

I don't know why I thought she wanted to kill me, she never bit me, scratched me nothing.

She was the sweetest darling. I just went crazy. I thought people were trying to kill me too.

That is why I left everything. The world can make you do messed up things.

Who's fault is it in the end? How do people move on from evil stuff they've done?

I help out feral cats now, food, daily clean water, vet visits.

I still feel like a huge bleeding cut is inside me.

I still feel like I was horribly evil and like I can't forgive myself for abandoning her.

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