We Both Self-Harm And Have Had Suicidal Thoughts

My Dad hits me, only he, my mum, and one of my friends (who I'll just call Milly but that's not her real name) know.

my parents don't know that I told my friend, but she is the only reason I could think of not to kill myself after my Dad hit me and I wanted to.

Milly wants to kill herself too as her parents smoke and she thinks they are going to die.

We both self-harm and have had suicidal thoughts.

I go to school with her and every day we cycle home and we sit in a tree waiting until we have to go home, as neither of us wants to go home.

We've stayed out for hours in the pouring rain just because we'd rather be cold and wet with each other than at home.

I'll never forgive my dad for hitting me and I'll never forgive my mum for not doing much about it.

I only feel happy when I am in the tree with her.

She told me that she also wanted to kill herself but I was the reason she didn't.

I love her so much, not in a romantic way.

The world portrays romantic love as 'the ultimate fulfillment'.

But I love her in a friendship kinda way and I could never imagine loving anyone more or even close – or maybe I'm just too young to get it.

We agreed that as soon as we were able to we would move away from our parents and live together.

But we have to wait until I've finished school and got a job and all that stuff that you need to live without your parents.

I don't think I can hold on long enough for me to move out and live with her but I cling to that idea, that dream of escaping.

She is the reason I am not dead and that terrifies me.

I am scared that if she kills herself or has to moves away or even just becomes friends with other people I will want to kill myself again.

I don't feel comfortable relying on someone that much as one of my dad, one of the people I am supposed to rely on the most betrayed me so viciously.

I feel incapable of trusting anyone with my feelings.

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