I miss my ex terribly often.
I have been running cycles of hating him, missing him, bargaining with myself of having a second chance with him, and crying out the frustration and anger.
It stresses out the sides of my neck, which is concerning.
I want someone I can talk to during the lonely nights, someone I can be sweet to, someone I can show my happiness to, someone I feel comfortable with.
I didn't used to feel this way about my ex.
He claims to love me after observing me throughout two terms.
I went along with his feelings because I wanted to know what his love felt like.
To not be obvious, I faked reciprocated replies.
Overtime the replies became real, and I started caring about him.
At the time, I wasn't sure that I genuinely cared for him.
Now that we broke up, I am sure that I did care for him.
I regret that I lied to him, that I faked loving him back, that I kept testing his love for me through my monthly fits.
I justify not wanting to go back to him, such as I really didn't like him in the first place, that he is cringey, that he is insecure.
The good things I know about him and how he had treated me well always overweigh my justifications.
I try looking at it another way, of why I wasn't happy being with him.
He has belittled my feelings unknowingly.
He has tried to teach me what he knows but made me feel less in turn.
He kept redirecting my feelings to self-improvement, which is apparently good advice.
Since I was usually told that during my anger fits and low points, this insults me.
One time, he highly suggested that I cultivate my skills and edge out in my specified role.
This insulted me a lot because I felt he was limiting me and he gave up teaching me.
Yes, I would say I don't want to be taught, but I wish he tried harder.
He is so determined and strong willed, yet he didn't bother to extend that to me.
Many times I would just stop chatting him while he's online because I get triggered.
He would wait for long periods just to wait for me to reply.
When I did reply, it was with angry rants.
I hated that I did that.
I hated that I wanted to hurt him.
I hated that I could not express these feelings constructively to him while we were still together.
I am tired of apologizing for my repeated angry fits, and that I kept throwing them every month.
Sometimes every two weeks.
He says he forgave me for hurting him in a farewell letter.
I hated that his apology was so empty. He doesn't know what anguish he has caused me.
I wish he could see what I mean through his own understanding.
I will never be satisfied by that stupid letter.
And yet, I miss him.
Part of me wants to make amense with him, but in my current state I will just commit the same mistakes.
I am so tired of being the one at fault, in the wrong, and the one lacking in the relationship.
No amount of crying or shouting, or pain in the neck, relieves my hatred towards myself and him.
I want my anger to go away, not exist, and be let go.
Please someone tell me how…
