I get strong urges of hate towards a group of people my ex is comfortable working with and whom I have been groupmates with for one term.
I am not comfortable with any of them on a personal level, but I feel liberated enough to introduce my ideas to them.
I know they are all smart, but I find it very unfair that two of my groupmates are very good at programming.
I went into my course knowing jackshit about programming, and here I am with the alpha group of my class, being difficult to deal with and feeling inferior.
I hate these people because of how they made me feel during my stay with them.
I always felt like I was in the dark.
I felt that I couldn't help that much to a grandiose scale, which eats up my sense of fulfilment.
I don't like that our group heavily relies on these two groupmates to be impressive.
I don't like it that no matter how hard I try to be productive, I still feel less, unappreciated, unwanted, and useless in the group.
I hate how our course encourages us to learn from our peers.
I hate this culture because my groupmates will learn nothing from me in terms of programming, but I learn the most about programming from them.
I can't pay them, and they are even happy being able to help me.
This pisses me off because I learn from them better than my professors.
This also makes me feel guilty about asking for their help, as I feel what was the point of going to college if I will just be taught by my peers.
I am not satisfied by how I rant in this blog, but I want to get these thoughts out.
These people have been good to me and vice versa, so it doesn't make sense to me as to why I feel uncomfortable, negative, and hateful towards them.
These feelings hinder me from interacting with the group comfortably.
I find this fact sad because my ex wants to stay friends.
The fact he wants to still have a friendship between us GETS ME SO MAD. WHY?
IT HURTS TRYING TO REACH OUT TO HIM. IT ANGERS ME TO TALK TO HIM.
HE PISSES ME OFF BECAUSE OF THIS STUPID IDEA.
I want relief from this anger.
I tried writing in diaries, venting to people I trust, and focusing on self-improvement, yet the hateful urges still arise.
I don't even talk to these people anymore except my ex rarely.
I also get triggered when I see their activity on Facebook.
I am tired of being angry at them.
I want to be happy again by myself.
I want to be able to talk to them normally when we see each other again after the pandemic.
I don't want to be friends with any of them or have to apologize for how I treated them as a response of how I felt around them.
Perhaps my hate for them is an extension of my hate towards my ex.
I feel like they take his side, since he is one of the two skill programmers.
Please, if anyone is reading this, do you have any tips on how to let go or deal with this anger?
Hate? Dread? Cotempt? Anguish?
I would like to know, because I feel I am limiting my cognitive capacity for schoolwork because these hateful thoughts interject my productive process.
