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Fear of Letting Go

I don’t know how I got here. It all happened so fast, and now it is like a roller coaster I can’t get off but desperately need to. I have been having an affair with a younger co-worker for almost two years now. I am married to a hard-working man and have two beautiful children, I don’t know what is wrong with me.

When the affair first started, He made me feel so alive and special, I felt desired for the first time in years. But lately, I can tell He has lost interest. I should be relieved our time is coming to an end but instead I feel like I’m breaking. I crave the intimacy we once had, the late night conversations, the simple good morning texts, the stolen kisses. All the things my good-intended but otherwise disconnected husband no longer does.

I should mention my affair started shortly after I learned of my husband’s past (since ended) affair with another woman. I don’t even think it is him I am scared of losing. In fact, I almost hate the person I found him to be. He had a girlfriend he was living with during the entirety of our time together, one I asked about on multiple occasions and was lied to. He does drugs and other illegal activities and overall, his personality is severely lacking. Maybe due to his age but he is self-centered, rude, and narcissistic.

He has excuses for everything and had no room in his heart for someone as needy and sensitive as me. He ignores my pleas for understanding and honesty, making me feel pathetic for investing so much into him instead of myself and my family.

I feel every other area of my life slipping farther and farther away as my focus centers more and more on his gradual rejection. I feel lost. I cause fights hoping for some sort of indication he still loves me to resurface, but it never does.

What I am scared of losing is the excitement he brought to my life. The feeling of validation that I was still special and attractive, despite aging and being a mother. I have never had high self-esteem, but he made me feel so beautiful and confident at one point in time. Those feelings are long gone, and I’m left enduring constant lows in hoped of an occasional high.

I know I could never be truly happy with him, he is not a man I want as a partner or as a father-figure for my sons. The moment I give up and stop trying, I know and fear he will swiftly disappear from my life. He will ignore me at work, as if I never existed.

Even as I write this I am checking my phone, hoping he is thinking of me. I want to choose myself and my family over him and work up the courage to walk away from a situation where I am no longer wanted. I just don’t know how…

What do you think?

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One Comment

  1. You are mistaken. Being special or beautiful are no requirements for you to deserve love. You deserve love because you are alive. So don’t look for someone who can validate that you are deserving of love. Find someone who can reciprocate the love that you give, because you want to feel connected.