"Weakling"
I find myself weak.
I'm a college student, from my senior year up to this day, I often have a mental breakdown.
I feel overwhelm so easily, I overthink too much that I can't even sleep and that I sometimes think I'm a useless being.
I hardly make it on my deadlines, I procrastinate so much, I really don't like it, but I don't have the energy and the will to do all the stuff that needs to be done.
I know it's my own fault, that I am the way I am right now. I really need to do something, I know.
But….I am afraid… I don't know why I am afraid of the world.
I am afraid of humiliation, disappointments, failures, of being nothing but a piece of trash, that's why I am doing my very best, just so I can't see the disappointments in the eyes of the people I cared, just so I can't hear anything bad about me.
And its worse, for while I do know better than minding what they're saying about me, I still cared for their thoughts, and that I know deep down that all I want for them is to see the good in me, that I belong to those peeps that follow the rules.
I don't want the people I know to say any negative comments about me, I want to live by their expectation.
And I also know, that is no good.
That while I'm trying to pleased the people I cared, I am losing myself.
Since I was grade school, I am a quite person, I don't like people that much.
I am basically afraid of them, not physically but on how they will treat me as a person.
I am trying to change this rotation of misery that I am constantly having, but I can't seem to pull me out of that.
I am so stress with my life, I am tired of pleasing anyone, I don't want to deal with people anymore.
I just want to be myself, I don't want to meet their expectations, I just want to be me. But…
it's hard, life is difficult.
I don't want this pressure on my shoulder anymore, you see I didn't ask to live, none of us.
If ever I will have a choice, I will choose not to be in this world.
I know living is a one time opportunity, but the year of suffering and the hard work to survive..
I don't want any of that. But since I don't have a choice but to live, I need to face all of this.
Tell me, yes you, the person reading this.
Tell me, how a one can live when one don't want to live to begin with.
Tell me, is it normal to feel all this crap?
Tell me then, what me a being that is not wish to be judge by you or the others, will need to do or might do .
I want your fair criticism although there's not much information in this confession of mine.
I am not good at expressing things, but it is good trying to express the things in my head, it helps me a little or big time I guess.
English may be a universal language, but it is not my mother-tongue pardon me.
