im struggling to reconcile how i feel rn.
there is a teacher at my school who literally embodies everything i want to be, i often find myself scrolling through her facebook page, sometimes even that of her friends.
And at school i sometimes hang around just so that maybe she'll notice me for a split second.
i've never experienced this before – it sounds so creepy but the intention isn't really.
i had her when i was in grade 10 and she completely reshifted the way i thought about, about….well life in general (in a totally cool not philosophical way) – it was like super mind blowing.
most of all, she wasn't even in the tiniest bit racist – like sometimes she'd make comments like 'haha you remind me of myself' – but if she was racially biased it would be rare that she'd compare herself (of caucasian background) to me (a POC).
About halfway thru the year, she pulled me back after class and said 'i've noticed your happiness levels have gone down' and while that was the case, but i have always been really good at hiding that kind of stuff.
So she really noticed. she really cared.
when i no longer had her as my teacher i got super jealous of everyone else and started craving that little bit of care and attention.
my friends keep asking me why i'm so obsessed and i honestly try not to be but i really just can't stop.
the thing is, i am really lucky and i kind of get that sort of affection when i come home to my parents – so it's not like im deprived of tlc or anything.
i was even more shocked when she would do something that i personally find immoral (like instructing a student like she was some sort of dog) but i would subconsicously forgive her or make excuses.
She walked by me the other day and looked me dead in the eye and didn't even smile and i was so consumed by the fear that maybe she doesn't like me anymore.
and if i'm honest i'm just over it. i want to get on with my life.
i want to care about myself isntead of donating heaps of my time and energy into a person who has probably even forgotten my name.
can someone offer some advice? like srsly what do i do?
