I Miss My Crush, And Former Best Friend, Almost A Girl Friend

I miss my crush, and former best friend, almost a girl friend.

I couldn't tell her what she meant to me and how much i thought of her, felt for her and loved her secretly in my heart, hoping that we would get to be together some day.
She just drifted apart in the influence of new changes in life like college, new friends and her own desires
I was upset and she never made it to bother about fixing it and i still took a few chances trying to make ammends and set things right between us.

Wrote her love letters, emails, sms and calls. Even visited her place once to drop a greeting card.

She quite didn't receive it.

She broke up with me over text msg and just mentioned that "Things and I have changed" i didnt even know what's a break up.

I was struggling with addiction to pornography and masturbation and turned into it more often than ever as i underwent and emotional abuse episode by an adult teacher.

Things just became bad to worse and i ended up falling apart.

I could never realize that i loved my friend so much.
Her calls, voice, things she said remain fresh in my memory.

I just wished that it never happend ever.
Someone with whom i spoke everyday, shared everything simply decided to cut me off one day all of a sudden.

And since then i've never been the same again.
I listen to songs today that make me break apart inside and no one knows about it.
I sometimes wish she too gets to feel this hurt, probably much more amplified by the number of years she has made me go through it to realize never to make someone feel hurt this way.
I don't want to become a ugly guy or a bad person because of this heartbreak but it really hurts and i want my respect back.

I want my power back which i gave away thinking of her, after i grew into an adult, masturbated fantasizing about her, tried to find pornstars who look like her to have the feeling of enjoying sex with her.

I'm married now but i still think of her and feel helplessly the pangs of this unfulfilled love and burning longing.

She has got over and married and has had a kid by now while i still struggle with emotional, psychological and physical issues.

Don't know what to do.

But i wish Ni**ta goes through this pain to come to a realization and be humbled.

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