I don't really know whether I should start with 'I loath myself' or 'I feel so fucking lonely' because both are very damn accurate.
I've always hated myself, not necessarily physically but rather mentally.
I think of myself as an inconvenience, a burden on everyone.
I have a tendency to punish myself for the smallest things like forgetting to do something someone asked me to do, the guilt of that simple thing weighs on me so fucking heavily to the point where I feel like fucking dying.
I honestly don't want to die but I don't want to live either so it's a bit of a confusing situation for me and it angers and frustrates me oh so much.
It really doesn't help that I feel lonely most of the time despite being in a relationship with someone I love and appreciate a fuckton and can really talk to about anything because he's the only person I trust in this world.
Re-reading that sentence actually made me think that I'm "overreacting" about feeling lonely because I'm really never lonely when I'm with him.
I'm really only lonely when I'm literally alone, which is still a fucking problem because I have to learn to be ok by myself.
The question is how the fuck am I supposed to be ok with myself if I hate myself so much? Therapy?
Been there. Got the T-shirt. Didn't keep it.
I've been to multiple therapists, they only tell me what I already know or at least confirm it which, sorry to say, doesn't help me.
I'm open to the fact that I'm blocking my own progress because I'm so used to the way I am that I'm afraid of the person I could become if I only get my shit together and accept myself.
I say "afraid" because of the possibility that things around me might change if I change and I happen to enjoy my surroundings, a loving boyfriend, and two amazing friends.
I suppose the only problem I have is myself.
It's true what they say, your mind is your own worst enemy, and my enemy has been beating the shit out of me for a while now.
I've occupied my mind with multiple things like reading, baking, the gym, etc but they're all just distractions and I can't keep distracting myself, I need to find a permanent solution.
I wish I could just snap my fingers and be ok but life doesn't work like that.
This whole mental health shit is one scary fucking journey but I guess I have to get off my ass and start before I'm suffocated by my own toxic thoughts.
I just hope I'm strong enough to make it to the end.
