I Need Something To Make Me Feel Free Again

I'm a mess.

So much that I can't write my whole story on here, so I'll make it short.
My relationship was good at first.

Then he got insecure and was so sure I cheated, which I didn't.

It ended with violence and abuse, he was sorry and begged that I take him back.

I so wanted to, but I had to choose myself, I figured if he could hit me once, he could do it again.
Eventually I started having casual sex with the same guy I was accused of cheating with (stupid right?) I think the last guy knew.

Any way the casual sex ended a few months ago cause it became toxic. Very toxic.

Now I'm seeing someone else, he says he loves me but I can't let myself loose again, I'm trying to protect myself.

Recently I've been thinking about the first guy and I've created a fake Twitter account to stalk him cause he blocked my main account.

We're talking now and I'm so tempted to tell him who I am but i know how dangerous that is.
I feel pathetic and broken.

I need something to make me feel free again.

I'm not particularly happy in my current relationship being long distance and all that.