So I Knew It Was Almost Never Getting Far

True Love. So I knew it was almost never getting far. They’d realize I was flawed. Dump me.

I didn’t know I had autism or I’d told them. I developed a real self consciousness.

I’d wonder. They ask me out. They like my looks. Like my clothes. I’m naturally nice. Smart.

What is it? Then the disease showed up. At first I didn’t notice. Suddenly I’d pass out. Shake.

Act erratic. This weird fog. Like with covid. I’d come out if it.

I’d suddenly be trying to get away from people. Yell at them to stay back. In case i passed out.

I’d abruptly just stop a relationship.

I realize “now” that I should have stooped dating & gave up. But it would pass.

I’d get asked out. I started warning them. There’s something wrong with me.

I don’t know what. I know it looks bad now. Trying to run off. Knocking stuff over.

Saying stay back. Yelling if they too close. But I’m a big man.

I can’t let myself fall on top of a lady. I would fight for any woman back then.

But I have never hurt a woman or child. No way.

But i realize now running into walls & tripping over stuff suddenly was bad.

I didn’t mean to act that way. So I’d just leave. That’s it. I’m not answering the phone.

Nor the door. They could cuss me. Hit me. Throw stuff. I understood. Women have more emotions.

They think they’re in love fast a lot of times. But they’re not in my case.

They just think they are. I had to give it time. They’d want to get serious.

Think we were serious. I’d try to wait on all of that. The farther you let them go.

The harder it was to end. If they wouldn't listen I’d just break it off suddenly.

Once you get intimate it hurts a woman much more. If i saw any signs.i broke it off.

They started seeing flaws. They wouldn't notice they changed. But i would.

I’d break it off quick. Politely if possible. I’d go in saying I do not want to get married.

Nothing serious. I’m dating other women. You can say that all you want.

But women are more emotional. I usually knew quick i was just 1-2 dates. Move on.

Once they got past the looks. How fast would they reject me?
The man is always wrong.

We’re not as emotional. Some women have conditions too. I didn't hold it against them.

But if they started getting mad for no obvious reason. I knew I was setting them off.

I didn’t realize what it was then. I’d think Im polite. I’ll never hurt you.

Never use you on purpose. What’s wrong with me? Well now I know. But back then I didn’t.

Some women held a grudge when I broke it off. That was my gift to them. I was the problem.

Not them. Even if it was them. I never want to cause a woman to cry.

If they started crying early in I left. Cried or got emotional a lot. Got sloppy drunk. I left.

That may work with a normal man. But they’d start getting upset over my oddities.

They’d been ignoring it. Now they’d start wondering what was wrong with me.

Well apparently a lot. Too much. I’d have waited only for my wife. My children are too amazing.

She had to endure me to get them.

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