I officially broke up with my partner five years ago after he cheated on and abused me.
However, we've secretly been seeing each other since.
I've lied to everyone about it, including my family, kids and friends, out of shame that I was still with him.
No one knows we were still seeing each other. My life has essentially been split in two for years.
He knew about the secrecy and accepted the relationship as it was, but would occasionally ask what the end game was.
I never had an answer.
Today, he broke it off for good because he's tired of waiting for things to change and finally realized they wouldn't, given our history and the secrets.
Part of me is relieved.
My fear of ending it outright has been his promise to destroy my life years ago.
But part of me is also very sad because despite everything he was my friend?
My companion?
I know it's best for us to be apart and unfair for me to make a promise that things will be different in the future, but I want to grieve this relationship and can't because no one knows it existed.
I can't suddenly be sad, playing Driver's License and eating Ben and Jerry's without questions.
I feel adrift.
