Asking for Empathy

I never thought I’d be telling my story on a public form even in an anonymous way.. But I think about it every day to the point where I can’t focus on anything. so being extremely broke and not being to afford therapy. so here I’m telling my story to be seen by strangers online and I think I’m fine with this or maybe that’s the quarantined version of me talking ..

So my story is that I’ve been rapped by my uncle (my mother’s brother ) when I was 6 years old more than once sometimes I can recall every single time and sometimes it’s just that one time when he was giving me a ride home and then he stopped to rape me as simple as that and I even could hear my mother and my sister talking out in the balcony but I did not say a word and one time after the other I got used to it and started to even enjoy it judge if you will I don’t care. I still remember his smell and the sound of him breathing right next to my ears and when he is done he wipe it off with my underwear and my thought I was sh**ing myself I kinda was tho.

One time he came to me when I was next to the fridge at my grandparents’ house and he was trying to start doing what he does but my mom was calling me out he didn’t wanna let go of my butt I remember being terrified and on the verge of crying cuz what if she came and saw us, at last, he let go now this is an interesting part, the first she said when we got home to her 6-year-old you know that if someone wanted to take your clothes off you should never allow them to do that. Tell this day I ask my self did she knew what was happening ? .. did she just put that out there so she can say I did warn him ?

That’s not the end of it after came my cousin and his younger brother who is my age and then finally my neighbour rapped … rapped ….but that last one I actually didn’t mind I liked him so just the other three …. And boom I’m gay now in a Muslim family in a middle eastern country …

I’m not the most religious person but I do love god and respect his existence I cry to him everyday and wish if he can help me but still no answer I don’t want to be gay … I don’t want to be out casted by my own family and friends so ill keep on acting tho I suck at it hoping that the future will be easier than my past

Ps:-
I could never talk to my parents about cuz my mom has heart disease and my father is a very religious person so he will not take well