me feeling like a complete spastic during sex and trying to get sex.
such a weird fear and priotity of mine. I think I want sex in the dark if I do do it with a guy.
I often imagine my boy lolly pop who I would sing to and sing "my boy lolly pop I want to suck you off" which I hope would turn him on in a good way.
but I have this fear in me over those shit eating sex grins and orgasm grins .
It would feel better if he just said to me , "love you don't have to be anything cuz I am proud of you in the bedroom with me, you worked too hard to get to this stage to even allow me to make love to you like this and I know its fucking hard and painful and you want to scream and run but I am proud of you in the bedroom and that is all you have to be for me, just do what your therapist said honey, Smile when I make love to you and tell me you love it so much and give them their shit eating fucking grins they want to shove at you and all the shit they throw at you , I don't care I still will love you no matter what" and I am like smiling trying to feel smart and proud for him trying to enjoy fucking and sex pleasure and orgasm and it turns out not too bad in the end so long as the orgasm is strong and firm and up lifting and I am like I am crying and fucking and loving it and he says "I know its painful because you were sexually traumatized but it will be worth it in the end.
Just trust me and keep doing it" and I want to.
I practiced so many times fucking things and pillows and sucking off a finger or two or banana imagining its his lollypop that I want to suck off.
I am thinking of him as the teen and young man and craving his love and attentions and its like :"making love is great to you" and I am likely really?
I thought it would be crap for you given I am so weak womanhood and technically still got that virgin hole appearance but lets do it.
He says "well lets just do it anyway that works for you is fine, I don't mind at all you are so gentle" and I am like please just want to play with my pussy and hold me hard til I come in this hotel room and say to me " lets go out have a good time so long as you let me do it to you later again and again and you will want my love in you cuz I want to make love you because you make love so pretty" and I say sure "I want to suck you off and I don't mind if you stand over me and make me love your cock long and hard all night or let me stand over you and give head to you all night" I love you and I am sick of feeling less then everyone and I just need sex and love so bad I hurt fucking help me" and I feel dumb til I have cum a dozen times and I just so want him on top of me senselessly wanting my cunt.
ok world. no excuse me about it.
