God, I’ve Tried to Change But I Fall Back Down

Dear God.

I have a confession to make. One that gnaws at me every time I think about you.

The problem is that I have an addiction. To many things. To alcohol, to intimacy, to bad videos. All these things are eating me alive whenever I think about you Lord because I can’t seem to give it up.
I know the bible says to turn to you but how can I when all I do is fail and break many promises every day? I can’t be perfect and I know I will never be. You’ve given me a beautiful life Lord and I’m wasting it. I’m afraid to come to you now because I stink of sin. I’m embarrassed most of the time. I live in fear of other Christians seeing what’s really inside my heart.

I’ve tried to change but I fall back down.

I want to be a writer. But each time I sit down, I’m fueled by the desire to write explicit stuff. It takes a lot from me knowing I’m going to disappoint you and knowing I can’t become a writer. So, instead, I drink my sorrows away.

I sound crazy. I should be praying to you but I stink of sin so much that I can’t even think about your name. I know I can do better, yet I’m not taking the necessary steps toward it because I can’t seem to give up my sins.

Mom says you love me. I know you do but I’m ashamed to be your child because of my sins. I feel worse than the prodigal son because you’ve given me more than I could ever imagine and yet here I am wasting it away.

Each day I wake up, I tell myself I’ll do better, and then BAM!! NOTHING. It’s been like this for a while. I don’t know when I’ll get better. All I can say now is thank you for taking care of me and loving me.

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