You’ve Given So Much. You Always Do. You Will Come Back. You Always Do.

Every time you go away (line from an old song) I forget that you keep coming back. I forget that in your way you do care about me, however much my failings keep me from feeling that. You arrived in my life on an ordinary summer day. Isn’t it always when you’re expecting nothing that something happens? Tonight you left, unexpectedly. Your plans made without any discussion.

Is it the suddenness of things these days that throws me off or the unwitnessable contacts people make? We spoke just last night of the coming changes in your life. Hearing all that was hard but expected. Nothing tonight was. I lashed out, too hurt to think. The meal uneaten. Your spot empty. My heart yet again an aching, empty place. Unworthy of your time, your laughter. Your presence.

On reflection, though I realize that everyone you know wants something from you. You’re one of those light giving people. I want not to take from you. I want to be different. I suppose I’m too damn needy to be much different. This gives me enormous sorrow and hurts you. Maybe it’s just our lot to both be where we and how we are. I don’t know. I know you make me crazy sometimes and you often feel the same. Is this some mad kind of love? Is it a complex friendship? Are we, or maybe just I, too entwined to tell? Line and title from another old song, tangled up in blue.

Perhaps it doesn’t matter how this might be defined. Maybe it’s only at the end of something we begin to find perspective. Maybe perspective is overrated. Maybe it’s just the living of a thing that matters.

When you’re here, I’m tense but so very happy. When you’re gone I miss you. If you were here all the time? Likely not a good thing but knowing I can just reach out for your hand soothes me. You can’t fix all that’s wrong with me nor me with you. Different stages in two lifetimes of experience can intersect only tangentially. Oh but those tangents! However weird and painful this time with you has been I’d never undo it. You brought me back to parts of life I’d long thought left behind. You’ve given so much. You always do. You will come back. You always do.

By: Hot Hog

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