Adele. sad song. I cried. Covid again? How have I never heard her music?
Anyone have Covid brain fog? I’ve been listening to Adele for days.
I want to get up and save everyone. My beloved. My children. All of you. Adele. Her Mystery Man.
Reunite them. Give that poor lady some closure.
First her song had me crying for my wife who I endlessly fail.
For my children who I endlessly fail.
For Adele who just helped me survive what ever just happened to me. For all of you.
But I can’t even save my self. I’ve had something like that my whole life.
For me it’s autism. I tried so hard to be typical. But I’m not. Oh for a while I fooled people.
Then a disease started destroying me. I was so close to death. But I looked at my wife.
I fought to live for her. We’d just married.
I confess that I’m in so much pain every moment it overwhelms me. Autism magnifies pain.
So sadly many of us shut down. I’m blessed that’s not me.
But I’m like a lost child wondering the world pretending to be a man. I can never focus.
I’m always in a cloud. I may smile and talk. But I’m usually miles away.
I want to be where you are. But I can’t. I’m just adrift. Sometimes i do manage to focus.
I try to take part. But i mess up. I hurt peoples feelings. So I go away again.
It’s too late for me. I gave up. But try to be kind to the little autistic children.
They can’t help how they are. When you yell at them. Leave them out. Look angry at them.
Laugh at how they talk or walk. How they do things.
It just frustrates them and they go back inside. Do it enough and they may never come back out.
A lot of times they seem to be talking and interacting. But they are really lost inside.
Pain hurts us much more. To the point it can shut us down. We take things too literal.
I once intended to write all of this out and explain it to the world to help all the little children who are lost.
But my disease lost me inside. I’ve tried and tried. But the disease is winning.
I can’t do it anymore. So I’ll move on.
As my disease progressed.
I started getting overwhelmed. Everyone asked so much of me. I wanted to do it all.
But it’s hard for me to just walk. Talk. Pick up things.
I can’t seem to ever do it without having to think about it. So the more I do.
The more I get overwhelmed.
So as my disease progressed, I’d struggle more and more.
I started breaking at times. I’d be rude. Sometimes it wasn’t them.
I’d think of something else. We are afraid to be seen for what we are.
That led to being laughed at and hurt too many times.
When I’d get overwhelmed the light would suddenly overwhelm me. The sound.
It would all break thru. My brain would explode. Overwhelmed.
I had to learn to hold my eyes straight. Not shake. Not scream. Turn it off.
But theres no off switch. Of course when that happens we are more likely to get yelled at or hit.
So it’s scary to lose control.
So if we are yelled at; mocked; or hit when that happens, we are much more likely to disappear.
We may do what you say.but now be lost.
