help…i’m so horrible

I can’t believe what I did. Having two boyfriends is horrible, but I can’t help it, maybe I need both of them. Maybe I need to love both of them, but why can’t I just love one or the other when both of them have their faults and i love both of them so differently. One is my best friend who I would die for. I love him so deeply and for so long he is my everything, but this other guy is so new and loving and sweet and I can’t seem to get him out of my head no matter what. I really do love them both so much. What can I do? I have been with my best friend for almost 3 years and he knows what he is to me, but he treats me so horribly sometimes. I hate this halfway thing. I hate to feel like I am his almost but never his only. Is that why I go to this other guy because these relationships are so unfulfilling to me? Why do I feel the need to have two of them. It is so confused to me. I just want to be loved and cared about. I want to be the one the guy wants to share his life with. I want to be the best girl and be the perfect one. But, this can’t seem to happen for me. I feel so alone now. Even with two guys life doesn’t get any better. I wish that I could just have one to be with me always. I stayed with my best friend for three nights in a row and now I miss him so terribly, but I don’t know if it is him I miss or just the feeling of waking up next to someone. I love him so deeply. Can I ever get over him? Can I ever feel like this again? It feels like the world could end and I still wouldn’t be rid of this feeling. I want this in love feeling to last forever and it HAS. Three years is a long time for anyone so why does he feel the need to stray to go to that other girl and why does it kill me when I feel that he is forgetting about me? I can’t stand the thought of him sleeping with someone that isn’t me. I just wish that I could make it through this. This cheating thing never will get better and I don’t think that he will ever make me his number one. I wish he would.