I’m a South Asian Girl Who is Depressed Since 2020

I’m a South Asian girl who is depressed since 2020. I’ve been with wrong people throughout all these years. I’ve been dealing with family trauma since childhood. Around 2020, when pandemic was at it’s peak, I was stuck at home feeling lonely. And I started talking to this guy online, who is of age 26 and I was 16 back then.

Initially he lied to me about his age, he told me that he is 21 and after 3 weeks, he revealed his actual age which was a shocker to me. I was so attracted to this guy that I ignored the age gap and continued the fwb thing with him..*it was virtual btw* I know this sounds problematic, but back then, I didn’t know what grooming and pedophilia was.

This guy completely used me for his needs and to satisfy himself around one and half year and that’s when my mental health started to decline more. I was in love with that creep and he just used me.

Initially, he treated me like his gf but later on, he started ignoring me because he was getting the thing which he wanted… I was so desperate for love and attention and I started searching for that outside.

Fast forward to some months, I realized that what he was doing to me is crime and I was severely heartbroken. I was feeling lonely and couldn’t tell anyone that i was dealing with a heartbreak. So, i started journaling. I started writing and kept these writings in my phone.

But one day, my cousin decided to check my phone without my consent and she created a huge fuss after finding out that I’ve been sexting with him. My family didn’t spare me, instead of helping me, they all slut shamed me and disowned me. Everyone suddenly stopped talking to me and i was angry at myself and people around me.

She even showed my picture to all of my family members and they all disowned me. Things got worse and i had to seek help to maintain my mental health and i messed up my final exams. This incident completely changed me.

I’ve now trust issues, i don’t make friends anymore and i don’t like dating. I’m scared of relationships. After this incident, I came across several other toxic and narcissistic guys. One of them even forcefully tried to sleep with me.

Then i met another guy who is sweet and nice, let’s call him Nate. But he just ended things with me cause of age gap and i completely get it. I’ve been craving for love and he gave me all those things, but i was suffering inside.

I’m suicidal since 2021.

I’ve contemplated suicide several times but Nate helped me get through it. But now, he don’t want me and i can’t force him to be mine. I’m trying to move on but it’s hard. I got diagnosed with bpad 2, depression and anxiety.

I don’t have any hope left and i don’t expect my family to help even though i’ve reached out for help. They think that god will cure me. I’ve no hope left and i want to die….. I’ve wasted my life and even if i live, i have to live with the trauma. I haven’t been happy for so long. I’m tired…. i’m exhausted…i want peace..