I Hate How Much I Desire These Non-Existent Things

Frankly, I am a coward. I may be in my 20s but I feel like I'll die in the next 20 years.

They say I have a lot going for me but I am squandering it away.

I am sh*tty & hypocritical.

I am sexual by nature & I wish to find a romantic love that will stay with me for this life & the next, and I hate myself for it.

I am soft & weak. I hate it. I hate how much I desire these non-existent things.

There are times I want nothing more but to destroy & kill.

There are times I am glad that there is this pandemic… Disgusting I know.

At the same time, it saddened me why the virus hasn't killed selfish people like me & dad- those who never cared how many lives they destroyed or scarred for their happiness- and only went for those that sacrificed so much for their loved ones.

I hate how I'm still hung up with my unrequited love- or rather the idea of him. I hate it…

I hate it all… Myself & this world I lived in.

I love my mother, my brothers & my friends.

they keep me sane, but I still can't get rid of this side of me that wants to burn everything to the ground.

Now I stay… Bored, wishing for an escape…

A coward who only lives her dreams in books & manga, afraid of facing reality only to be disappointed…

Always illogical…

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