my soul for all to see.

i have no idea anymore. i have internal conflicts that race through my mind everynight. one of the main topics is love. i am only 13. but i wish for a true love to come forward to me. i do not love anyone that i know thus far. i have often dreamed of an unknown lover to whisk me away. i live in my own mind, often filling the loveless void in me with anime. anime is my passion, i love it. the charecters in it are like my many lovers. i often dream of them. my greatest wish is to leave this realm and go into theirs. i am not a girl that dwells on whether i am beautiful or not. i know i am ugly, inside and out. i am what many would refer to as ’emo’ and ‘goth’, and i do not deny this, but a title i would perfer is ‘otaku’. my grandmother tells me not to dwell in anime, because it is not real. i know this, but wish for it to be reality. i read often about the love of others, it makes me envious, and yet, something in me, instead of feeling longing, pushes other things away. i also often think of things that would turn others brain to mush. who am i really? am i pure, and innocent? i do not believe so. am i dark, and tainted? i am. i have corrupted myself into a being of spite, hate, and among all things, pitiful. yet in everyday life, i try to be strong, to not clue in others to my greiving. but while i succede in this, i also am slowly dying. if i knew what was really beyond this life, i would already be dead. there are also often several times i have thought of taking the pills that i keep by my side (they are my mothers old pills that she never knew went missing). but somehow, i remain.