Nice there is a place like this. I have nobody to confess my thoughts about this, I always need attention and adrenaline for men. I had a trauma 10 years ago, like my cousin – my best friend left in another country to live there. He is 3 years younger than me and then we lost touch, as much as I wanted to, he was not interested.
Ok, the thing is I have a husband now, I started my relationship with him and after 10 years we got married. I am feeling like a whore. I chated on him emotionally for many years with few guys and 1 year ago I started to cheat phisically. I love my husband like he is my family – but because of my mother (dead now) who insisted I was pregnant with him even if we didn’t have sexual life… if my period was 1 day late there was lot of argue… see, I am always thinking about my mother when I try to make love with him.
I am ashamed to see me naked, to explore my body, to do oral sex or to move in any way. Becoming like a stone. I was doing this now with an ex university mate – he was so damn great, making really-really love, sensual exploring and so on. I told him I do not want to break up with my husband – I told him I am going to marry him and he said nothing, was ok with that.
I need to feel safe and loved (I love my husband like he is my family). After he was like – I want to spend my rest of life with you (not decided, he said after being a couple he might lose his feelings for me and he is afraid but still wanting to do it). Now I feel in love with a very sexy and smart courier from work and I can’t stop thinking about him – I need his attention and making me feeling like a woman.
Trying to resolve my connection problems with my husband but can’t get off my mind my mother and her criticism about us. I feel so much pain and need for adrenaline and feeling happy… I can’t say this to anybody, neither my friends or my sisters and always have to carry this with me. I hate I am not a faithfully woman, hate my human feelings and needs.