F, 22-
My loving dad (Abusive*)
It took me years to fully acknowledge that this part of my life actually happened.
I was, otherwise always trying to escape from the reality, because it's too hard and too sick to face it.
But, this box of reality grew too big for my everyday consciousness to handle.
So, not long ago, I decided to confront my past, mustering up my courage.
I thought of sharing it to a bunch of anonymous eyes while I am at it as well.
My dad is like many other dads- we talk life and philosophies, we sing duets, we make fun of people and situation, talk about flaws.
Also, he can be irritating, overly critical, unreasonably dictatorial at times.
I had that 'I cried at kitchen table when my dad taught me Mathematics' moment.
My point being, all in all, he is pretty normal, and maybe even, "good" dad EXCEPT for one detail.
I was around 5 y/o, when he started molesting me subtly.
Things escalated after my mom gave birth to my brother. I was 9 at the time.
We had two beds in our home at the time. My dad started sleeping with me, thereafter.
In the name of cuddling, he used to caress my body, my still small growing breasts.
After few days, his hands then started slipping inside my panties.
While in bed, he used to undress me completely, and he used to wear nothing more than his undies.
Everyday, his advances started getting more and more uncomfortable.
I don't think I could say he forced himself on me. But he was manipulative with his words.
Whenever, I told him that I felt uncomfortable, he used to dismiss my feelings saying that I had a taboo, and there's nothing wrong in it.
He had all sorts of reasons supporting his behavior like- body heat is good for children with weak immunity, and he is just helping me- or being exposed to nudity is necessary and healthy even, and that being uncomfortable in such states represented prejudice.
He said he wanted to free me from such prejudice.
Slowly, when he started fingering me, his excuse was to teach me about my body.
He said I was going through body developments, and will go through more, which is why he was preparing me.
And he did.
Taught me about sex, about how child is born, what part is clitoris, what was the right hole for sex, and so on.
It was confusing. He made me feel that to feel uncomfortable was wrong.
And he was the most progressive dad and I was the most regressive daughter.
I felt disgusted, but somehow it felt wrong to feel so.
Other than this issue, he was the most significant person in my life at that time.
He was a preacher, and it was easy to admire that.
I used to share about my school, and friends, studies, everything with him, and he used to too.
He used to talk to me like an adult, which very few adults used to do. I trusted him.
I was not very close to my mom to feel comfortable to share these things.
I believed that it was only me who is feeling wrong.
So I kept all of it to myself.
Will continue rest, in the another part.
