Unburdening my heart

I am lazy with my college homework. Most of the time I just lay around the house and play Facebook games or. Sleep. I do not honor my husband and allow him his marital rights, he is lazy about that too but I don’t help in that area either. He sometimes touches me at night and pleasures himself. Sometimes I get so frustrated that I watch porn and masterbate. I wonder if he is attracted to me anymore. I am fat and need to lose weight to be healthy. I have lost about 30 pounds so far this year but have a while to go. I am vein and want to be pretty. I have messed up the family finances. I shop impulsively and buy things that I don’t need. I messed up my husbands credit rating and am letting him think that his identity was stolen. I download pirated movies from the Internet. I make myself sound loving and caring when I usually just don’t give a crap about anyone’s problems. I am jealous about other people having money and I have wished that my husband would die so I could get his insurance and be wealthy. I don’t think like that now but I did. I like for people to praise me and like me and to be proud of me. Unfortunately I am realizing that there is very little to be proud of.