I can’t do anything to stop it.

I confess that for as long as I can remember I’ve been totally obsessed about ridding my body of, well, waste. I’m in my 20s now and I’m a female. I don’t know how to say this nicely so I’ll just say it how it is. Whenever I have to defecate I’ll spend a good amount of time pushing and if I can’t get it all out by pushing I’ll put my fingers in my butt as deep as I can and dig it out. I won’t stop until all of the stuff is out and I can’t feel anything in there with my fingers. I don’t enjoy doing it, in fact it disgusts me and I usually take a long hot shower afterwards but if I don’t do it I end up feeling a million times WORSE. It’s like I can feel it in there and that makes me feel unclean and unhealthy like it’s poison that’s slowly killing me. I know it’s silly and not true but I can’t do anything to stop it. So, I confess this.