To Nicole from Denver,
I just need to get some things out, like therapy.
I keep hanging onto some of our conversations and it's not healthy.
I'm not praying you see this, this is more an open letter so I can get it out of my system.
I'm not even really angry with you after all this time, more angry with myself.
In a way I apologize in advance if you see this, since it's probably hurtful.
That's not my intention.
Again, it's for myself and not really for you.
You kept asking about Kelly and me.
Despite my refusal to answer your more personal questions, you wouldn't drop it.
Despite my saying I don't discuss such matters, you kept bringing it up.
I should have made it abundantly clear, stop asking.
I didn't, I stuck with the responses that didn't put an end to it.
Then you made some comment about thinking I could stand to be more open, and I told you what you wanted to hear (a lie at that moment, but you refused to accept the truth).
Not happy that I caved, less happy that I lied about it, and even less happy that I didn't stop the questions before I did.
A meaner part of me wishes I'd said "I think you could stand to mind your own f'ing business.
I think you could stand to respect someone's privacy." Wouldn't have been the right approach though.
But that meaner side is in me.
And I can accept that.
Some time later you criticized my reasons for wanting to drop weight.
I felt that any reason is fine if it gets the job done.
I still feel that way- if someone does their day's work because they need the paycheck, or because they really love it, or any other reasons it gets the job done.
You called my reasons sad. I stopped responding until you apologized.
Even with the apology, I keep going back to that conversation.
I honestly don't know the most appropriate response. The meaner side of me pipes up.
"Well I'm sorry I'm not living MY life by YOUR standards.
The next time I need to make a choice I'll ask what Nicole would do because I'm clearly not capable of figuring it out myself." Not a good response, but a part of me would run with it.
Finally the conversation, that led to the blowout that ended our friendship.
Something had been eating at me and I didn't want to discuss it.
Sometimes I need to talk to people about my problems, but sometimes it's best for me to work things out myself.
I've done it before and I will do it again. It works for me.
One morning you said that you didn't think you could be friends with someone who couldn't be open with you.
And I caved again. And things got worse. Shortly after we couldn't keep being friends.
What's done is done, and it seems clear that it wasn't a friendship that would last forever because had I kept my mouth shut you'd have ended it.
But I was open with you about dozens of things, maybe a hundred things, that I don't tell anyone until they've known me for a year or two.
But I caved.
Again.
If you do see this, I hope you're happy, doing well and getting the most out of your life.
