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Sad and Pathetic…

  I’ve been single for the last 4 years. I am looking to find someone, but as it usually happens… the one’s I want don’t want me and vice versa… i find it very hard to get close to anyone because I worry about getting hurt and getting judged.

I still have urges… and I still have those urges taken care of… by paying for sex… most times it’s just a handjob or a blowjob, but I have paid to go all the way a handful of times. I feel horrible about it all the time, and it has drastically put me into debt that I am not able to fully come back from…

I am not paying for the service, but paying for the service provider to go away. I keep fighting with myself that I shouldn’t be doing what I do… but it’s like I can’t help myself anymore… when I have the opportunity I go do it… and it feels good, but then the guilt hits…

The guilt is the worst part because it’s not that what I’ve done is wrong, because it is… it’s that I feel more alone every time I do it… and I feel I can’t tell anyone what I’m doing… hence being on this site…

It makes me have to lie, and I am afraid that I’ve already become (because I have) one of the creepy old men that is alone for the rest of their lives without a family.

The friends that I have in my life are awesome, but I have only met a handful of women that I would be interested in seeing where things could go… further than just sex, though it is a big part of it…

I am so tired of being alone and not able to share who I am, but I don’t know what to do anymore or where to turn…

I believe that my friends have given up on me thinking me to be a confirmed bachelor… and I’m sure some of my closest friends think I may be gay… but that’s because I can’t tell them that I am addicted to strip clubs and anonymous sex with hookers and call girls…

I want to have a normal life… I want to be able to share the good things in my life and leave the bad behind… I want to change so I can be happy. How?

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