I do not know the label but I am a white nonbinary lesbian who is attracted to and comfortable in lesbian centric spaces. However I outwardly present as a cishet male even though I dislike it and I always feel like a trespasser in lesbian or trans or women spaces.
I am painfully aware of the very real danger men present and how lucky I am to have the privilege of being able to for the most part walk through life unmolested. I would be lying though if I said that the innate distrust and fear people have of me did not really hurt. Let me be abundantly clear. White people especially white men have earned and actively cultivate that distrust.
Unfortunately it has caused me to gaslight myself into believing any negative emotions I felt over the decades as inceldom. It made me invalidate my own emotions and experience in lieu of what others felt. I am not an empath and you should never trust anyone that says they are but I do well at being empathetic. I developed it as a trauma response along with the hyper vigilance and people pleasing in an attempt to make myself as inoffensive as possible.
My sister and I have similar issues. I know our journeys are not identical but there is a lot of overlap. We were both SAed and raped by the opposite gender for decades. As a result we developed mutual distrust or hatred for them that followed us for decades. This negatively impacted our relationships especially with each other.
Until one day we remembered that we knew each other better than anyone else could or ever would. Then we understood and are closer than ever. I cannot say for sure if I helped her but I can state as fact that she helped me. However I will still never feel safe or welcomed in any lesbian centric space and I definitely will not ever feel comfortable trying to date in one.
I have had my heart broken by women three times in almost two years and it has driven me to near death each time. I am not writing this to condemn or excuse or justify myself or others. I am merely confessing that I am as terrified of women as they are as terrified of me and I do not fault them for it.
I know people will say go to therapy or man up but in a world where guns and drugs are more readily available than affordable healthcare and dating is increasingly becoming like gambling or transactional I know for certain that if I ever told the truth that it would kill me. I type all this knowing so many people have endured and will continue to endure more hardship than I ever will. I have people in my life that I care about so much that I know would be broken by my absence that I cannot risk trusting a stranger.
The irony of this is that I know that person I fear cannot afford to give me the benefit of the doubt either. It is a bleak outlook but with the way this dystopian hellscape is going I cannot blame anyone for being afraid. Take care of yourself.
