I have been really hating myself for something. As a preface to this story, I need to say that I had to put my soul cat to sleep 3 weeks ago and I’m so lost.
Rewind about 4 years ago.
I was in a very bad place emotionally/mentally. I was struggling immensely with depression, angry, and anxiety. This was before therapy.
I was home with my cat, partner at work, and she began vomiting (not uncommon for her) and I was seething with anger at having to clean it up. I yelled at her so loudly.. and my words? This kills me to say, but I’ve never told anyone. I yelled “Fucking cunt!” and instantly regretted it as she ran in fear.
This is my best friend, my soul cat, my perfect cuddle bug angel and I screamed at her instead of comforting her. I felt like a solid piece of shit, and rightly so. I had no right doing that. She would not come to me and that was crushing because she always came to me, but I knew it was my fault. I know she doesn’t know the words but she knows I screamed, but I know the words and I know how hurtful I was.
So I gave her space to process her feelings without encroaching on her. About a half an hour later, she came downstairs and sat on my lap while I sobbed and apologized with soft words and lots of pets.
Fast forward to last year when we were cuddling in the couch, I began to talk to her about it again. I cried and told her how sorry I was, that I loved her more than life itself and that I hope she knows that. During this, I asked her to please forgive me and for the first time ever she bumped her little fuzzy head against my head and I knew then that she did forgive me.
I made a commitment after yelling at her that I would work to resolve my anger issues. I would comfort her instead of yelling when she was vomiting. And from that point, I began therapy and began doing everything I could to show her I have so much love for her and that I made a mistake.
So I had to put her to sleep due to her kidney failure. I had her 11 of her 13 years, and those were the best years of my life. I will never have another cat like my perfect angel girl, she was heaven on Earth. I keep thinking about the yelling and I feel remorseful still, it still hurts that I instilled fear in the little baby that trusted me most. I told myself I release myself of this pain, because now is the time to focus on all the wonderful memories with her, and not the moment when I took out my anger on her instead of taking comfort in her. I need to let this go, and I hope putting it here helps. After the yelling I never even so much as raised my voice. I softly pet her when she was vomiting and spoke quietly telling her she was okay and she did nothing wrong. I do believe that we healed together from it with a little time. So.. once and for all I need to let it be so my mind can stop bringing it up. I have re-written the ending in my mind, with the way I should have and wished I’d have reacted instead, but it’s still showing up. Please let me put this to rest. She is no longer with me and it’s killing me that I wasted precious minutes yelling and earning back an unconditional love and trust that I never should have allowed to falter.
I love you, perfect, sweet girl. I know you forgive me and now it’s time to forgive myself. Please. Please let me forgive myself. I can’t wait to see you again someday, my baby. I know you’ll be waiting, and you’ll wipe that atrocious memory from my mind.
Thank you for your friendship, my soul cat. It was such a gift that you chose me to be your mom. I love you forever.
