Content Warning:
This post contains sensitive topics including emotional abuse, mental illness (psychosis and suicidal ideation), underage sexual activity, drug use, and emotional distress.
Please read with care and take a break if anything feels overwhelming.
Note:
This is a personal story about my first relationship. It’s something I’ve been processing for a while, and writing it out helped me understand how much I went through and how much I’ve grown. I’m sharing it because I know others might relate or be going through something similar. If that’s you, you’re not alone — and you deserve safety, love, and support.
My first boyfriend was not exactly what I expected. I met him in the first semester in ninth grade, he was in my social studies class and to be honest at first, I thought he was kind of weird but after a couple weeks of classes I grew to like him. He was smart and answered almost every question in class he sat directly across the room from me, but we faced each other the class was set up in a well interesting way, but I found myself looking at him often in class. This continued and eventually I realized I had a small crush on him. I didn’t think anything would ever happen because we would usually only say one or two words to each other, but later in the semester he started sitting with me and my close friend that was also in that class. Eventually once the semester ended, he started hanging out with my whole friend group and we got quite close. I tried to convince myself I didn’t like him like that anymore and we were better off as friends anyways. We had this group chat on Instagram called the barbies and Alan and we all talked on there like constantly. One Saturday I said something that I wish I could remember but he then as a joke said, “what if I kissed you” and I only slightly joking said “I guess you gotta find out” after that he said “loki wish” and for the rest of the day we were flirting. Later that night we both agreed that we had feelings for each other and kind of started dating but decided not to make anything official till we went on a date and felt the new dynamic out a little more in person.
Everything was great and after like a week and a half we had our first kiss, and it was cute. But the next day I felt like that was all he wanted to do; it was a dramatic switch for me. Later he asked how I was feeling about everything and with some help from my friend I wrote a gentle message saying I was really happy, and he didn’t do anything wrong, but I felt that the amount of kissing was to much for me at the moment. He panicked. He was apologizing repeatedly and started saying he shouldn’t be with me if he did this to me and a bunch of weird dramatic things. He ignored me for a couple hours until late at night and he apologised again and finally believed me that I wasn’t mad at him at all. After that we moved on and things were good for about a week. I got a lot more comfortable, and we were both happy.
Then he told me he got an edible which I was really unsure about I thought it was dumb, and I was quite worried about it because I knew it could cause bad problems for anyone underage. He took small pieces of it for a couple days and was stupid enough to do it at school once that I know of. I told him I didn’t like it and after telling him a couple times he promised to stop. That weekend we hung out and we went to a park, and it was nice it was the first warm day of the year, and we sat on a bench and kissed. He came to my house after for food and left later. It was a really nice day for me, and I felt really exited about this relationship. Until late that night he told me he had taken his last piece of the edible before he came to see me. I was upset but again he promised it wouldn’t happen again.
Again things were good for a bit. We hung out again he next weekend and went to another park kissed and we were in a quite private spot and he fingered me for the first time. listen i am very aware that’s crazy to do in a public park especially at my age but, it happened. i also touched him under his shorts. we both were happy with it in the moment and we checked in lots it was great and i felt really happy with how much he cared, i vaguely remember him getting worried that night about being to much and him saying things like “i shouldn’t have done that to you” i don’t even remember all the times he freaked out about little things like that. it always ended with him apologising a million times and me trying to convince him its ok. i think it was one or two weeks later that we hung out again on the weekend and we eventually went to his house. his parents did not know about me yet so i snuck into his room and we had sex. it was my first time but his second. he was super sweet and other then having to sneak into his house was a really good experience. then that week at school he started acting weird. he wouldn’t hold my hand in the halls and was getting quite paranoid about people looking at him constantly. it got to the point he thought people ha followed him home. i was venting to one if my friends about it and i said “he’s literally acting like he’s having a psychotic break”. later that day one of my other friends saw him leaving early with his dad from the office. he was gone from school for about two weeks and i had no idea what happened. i saw some of his friends at the mall and one of them added me on snap and i found out he had told them he was hanging out with me but he obviously wasn’t. it was really scarry not knowing anything and i was really upset the whole time. eventually i got a message from him on a weekend and he said “hi babe I’m back the doctors say i cant be on my phone much rn but when can i see you” i ran to his house right after. i got there and he explained he had a psychotic break and i cried a little mostly relieved that he was safe. he didn’t tell me much and i had to leave quickly. i don’t really remember what happened in the next couple of weeks to be honest i was really stressed and i think i blocked it out. he eventually came back to school and he was struggling to catch up on work and lost a lot of confidence because he wasn’t understanding the work cus he missed so much. i don’t remember how much later but there was only a week and a half left of school and we were calling with one of my other friends on the group chat and everything was great till all he sudden he got quiet and just hung up. it was weird so i said goodbye to my friend and started texting him asking if he was ok and he started saying a bunch of things about how he just hurts me and how he shouldn’t be with me and eventually that escalated into him saying he wished he was dead and saying he was going to kill himself. he refused to talk to a helpline or anything so i ended up going to my parents at midnight to call emergency. they ended up doing a wellness check and i didn’t hear from him till the next day.my best friend brought me down to see one of he school counselors to talk about the whole situation. he texted me saying he hated me and he never wanted to talk to me again and he would never forgive me. i explained the situation i was in over and over till eventually i think the next day he said sorry and that he didn’t mean it and he still waned to be with me. i thought his reaction was normal considering the situation but i didn’t realise how unhealthy it was. we had lots of nights where he would say he shouldn’t be with me because he is just hurting me and say we are done then the next day apologise and change his mind. it was exhausting. he eventually had a conversation with my dad about it all and that didn’t make my dad feel any better. he at this point was like severely emotionally blackmailing me which i sort of knew but i didn’t prosses it. my parents ended u having a conversation with his parents and they agreed we shouldn’t be together. we tried to just be friends for about a week but his behaviour didn’t change at all and he started saying e was going to stop taking his medication. i told my parents and they decided we needed to go no contact for awhile i was at my friends house and i sobbed so much i have never cried that much but her and her older brother comforted me. i think now after letting go and crying like that i feel a lot better and i think i had already been grieving the relationship even when we were dating in a weird way. so yea umm i actually don’t know how i didn’t get out of that sooner i mean i genuinely love him but now realising how fucked up everything was I’m really happy its done.
