I after so many years finaly understand everything about the years from 9 untik 13 and do not feel shame anymore i know how why and i didnt make it happy. So i can now say my story and not bury it.
At 9 a friend of my father that had been looking after me was so nice i now know he had been training me since the start actual had sex with me and after told me i was who had made it happen and it will be ou secret and what would happen if anyone found out so i said nothing about it and the next week he did it again and said i could not say as i would have to say i had not said anything the first time so i would look like i was just being a trouble maker and so he did the same most weeks and more.
After he knew i would just comply probably not long before i was 10 he told me i was to wait in the bedroom and be nice to who came to prove i was devoted like he was and it happened and i was shocked as it was a man i knew well and liked and i didnt know there was lots like the first and he had me for a couple of hours but was doing his best to be nice to me he was talking a lot to me telig me so much i realised he knew everything and would know where the pics that the first had taken and used to blackmail saying no one would see them as long as i didnt be good for him.
So i asked him what he knew about me and he said everything and i said i thought it was only me and him so tell me something to prove it and he tod me that he was stood at the front door the first time to make sure no one came in so it was safe. And he said i never made a sound and he had come up and saw him and me on this bed but crept down. And i asked if i said a word would he say what i meant if he did everything and he yes so i said pictures and he told what i had been photographed doing and i knew he was a way to get free.
So eventualy he started like the otther and i acted like he had been told i would and we both had a rule that i was not to give head and he had be told not try. And if he did i was shout and he would come and stop it so he started and i just lay as i did and only let half in before acting in agony so it was as expected i compied and he got to see how it was but to make him come back so i could get more info from him i started to act like it was good and started moving nd gasping as the first loved and in a bit i was moving all over the bed groaning and gripping on him and i said i wanted him to lay down and he did and i straddeled him a leg each side and bent at my knees and i lowed down on him and took him and acted like i could not stop and i did the best job i could do thinking of all the things i had been asked for but had not done and after a long time i just said swear you wont say about us and he did and i got off and put my mouth onhimand did the best suck i had ever done and he exploaded and i let him it was a strange feeling from the start it felt like a challenge that i had not sex at all.
Anyway not many days after that he convinced me to for a drive with him to talk and in some field in the country i gave him myself again and we met in secret after that and it took much longer than i expected but eventually he told where everything was hidden and i stole it and more and told the first one if he came near me again i would show pics of him and other boys so i was free.
In the years between there as many men some i had to and some for other reasons his friend was for the info i needed and others for spite or because i could use them to watch out for me i didnt do it because i secretly wanted to or because it was all i was worth i now know it was a way to cope and it was never sex its only sex if think of it as sex its nothing if you dont feel emotions about it i no longer feel shame or guilt or confusion. I feel great and i can look back and it isnt dark anymore.
