stupid whore pig

i do nothing i lay in bed all day and listen to music im a burden to my parents i eat their food and trash their house and slack in school, private, payed for school. i dont deserve to think, a small part of me when i think, self pities, i dont deserve to self pity, or type this. i deserve no life, ive wasted my life, i cant see me having a future, for years now i havent been able to see myself with a future, i need to end my life or have it ended, im only sixteen so im stupid and my brain isnt fully formed and im too stupid to KNOW antything. i know nothing, i dont know how i feel, my boyfriend is 24 and im 16 and he has a son and i give him sex even though i dont like sex, it doesnt feel like anything and i pretend to like it, i wish i did and i want to. i let 6 other guys use me for sex before him, it hurt after the third guy. i like older men, i like the thought of making them sin and molest me with their older age. i used to want to get raped but then i figred it wouldnt be rape if i didnt struggle or care. im in a stupid mood iv been lazy and done nothing for the past week or so and half the time im so happy that i cant handle myself and im jumpy and smiley and everyone around me gets happy and i like that part of me and i realize to not associate with any stupid distorted feelings i have because their all pityfull selfish lies and thats when i can forget how terrible i am and be greatful, lazy but greatful, and happy and do things. i could right now, but i wont bring myself to, the mere idea repells me and i know its for a selfish stupid reason but i cant bring myself to think of it but i know i will soon then i will feel better.