Context: M21, living in a conservative joint family.
This is going to be a long and hard read. Sorry, English is not my first language.
I think my paternal aunt molested me. We live in a joint family (dads brothers/sisters and their family), and I cant move out yet so that’s that. I have clear memories of my aunt letting her hands in my pants and she would play with my penis. She would also sometimes kiss me on the lips. This happened from around 5/7 until she noticed my first pubes. Obviously I wouldn’t ejaculate but I loved every moment of it. She would offer me sweets and edible items not to be consumed by children my age to make me stick around to her more and I too knowing only that I enjoyed would lay with her every chance Id get.
It had gotten to a point where my mother now tells me that during my early years I only bonded with my aunt.
I have been hypersexual ever since. I have really strong sexual attraction towards her even now which I’ve suppressed a lot now. But, we live in the same house and even seeing her or smelling her perfume in the air drives me crazy. Since this is a confession, Id also like to say that Ive done stuff to her that Im not proud of and are one of the biggest reasons why I hate myself. Ive touched her non-con. That happened in my mid teens and in peak horniness.
I only mentioned that because I have to connect the story. I think a year ago, I was getting myself off to her making eye contact with her all the time and thats when she snapped, called my mother who made me apologize. When my aunt called me over to have a discussion, I confronted her. I explained to her that Im not a pervert with anyone else and tried to explain to her that I am only attracted to her because of what she did, she straight up refused. Said nothing happened like that and even if it did she apologizes and explained that what Im doing is wrong and will break the family apart.
That was the last incident I had with her, Ive bulge flashed her a couple times recently, nothing else.
I know Im a terrible person, whatever happened is not an excuse for me to do shit like that. I dont plan to. I lose control. This is the first time Im talking about it. I dont know what to do. I know that I need therapy but that isn’t an option here either. I have grown to be an absolute piece of dooky and am having an existential crises for the past 3 years. Ive tried to attempt offing myself before, but my body gave up or its just that Im a pussy.
I need help. I know what I did was wrong, yet I still have really really strong sexual attraction towards her.
