Regretting Return To Toxic Family After Five Years Of Failure

I’m wondering why I bothered coming back here? Nothing has worked out for me. It’s been five fucking years. FIVE. I thought coming back into the family fold I’d left years ago would mend the spirit. It really hasn’t.

I realized my brother is basically my mother’s pathological behaviors, but in the able body of a grown hispanic male with the macho bullshit that comes with it. And there’s a definite sociopathy there; I’ll never be able to forgive the behavior I encountered when I first returned, and he came to realize he cannot dominate my behavior nor my thinking as he does with everyone else. And I do mean dominate; I rather keep my mouth shut then consent to some of the antisocial behaviors he shares, and yet rather than leave, here I am. Fucked. Because I’m stuck financially.

My employer cut my hours drastically just as I was getting to a comfortable enough amount to get ready to jettison from here. Now I’ve watched my savings dwindle, as practically none of the places I applied to work for would reply. Why has my luck been so god damned salty? Why did I come back here?

For one, because I was fed up with [city]. I just couldn’t do it anymore, I’d never wanted to be there in the first place–and that neighbor was pushing for violence, asshole that he was, constantly testing, knowing he’d be protected by his mother who just happened to work for the police. Sonofabitch had a gun in the house as well–that piece of shit was quite lucky, dealing drugs out of the house, a cop for a mom. I’d checked if he had a record, just on a hunch–sure enough he did. But he seemed to be able to get out of situations, I’m thinking by having people in high enough positions to help him get out. But sure enough he had a record regardless; a mug shot that showed a shit faced defiant smirk taken in [city]. Seems he moved around with some regularity.

Then thanks to my landlord’s lack of wits he just rented to this lowlife because she was referred to him by a young woman he had the hots for–he couldn’t resist younger women. So him and his boyfriend moved in and changed the whole peaceful dynamic we’d enjoyed for a few years there. Thanks, you sappy asshole.

Now I’m here, wondering where I went wrong in my life. Nothing’s worked out. This sounds like a hot mess, no doubt, I don’t care to put lipstick on it. When you feel like shit, everything comes out sounding like shit, thats just how it is right now.

I’m going to gather myself up and do what I can to remedy this situation, but I really, really needed to vent, because this has built up for a while now. I can’t always be trying to look on the bright side, or hope for the best. Sometimes you just have to admit to yourself that shit sucks, that you’ve fallen down the ditch. But you get yourself up, brush off, and you keep going, and make that shit better. You can’t just let circumstances get the better of you. Strive to do better, for yourself, and for everyone that means anything to you.